I am not a perfect parent…and that is perfect.
Last night I lost it. We buried another duckling. These are ducklings that have been a yr in the making, so its tragic for more than just the unnecessary loss of life.
These ducklings will grow to be the start of our Muscovy flock we will use as supplemental income to continue our lifestyle of being rich in time and sanity so we can actually be with our children, family and friends. This is the 2nd duckling lost this week and 3rd at the hands of this puppy. After realizing this puppy’s s tendency for duck a la fresh we have been careful to not leave her unattended near their coop, alas you can only be so careful and so quick as a flash as we are transitioning to meal time and gathering the pups, it happened again.
I share all of this with you so I can now say…this is why I lost it. Another gory scene, another punch in the gut to future building and I lost it. Tears exploded into rage. A foot found itself against a door and the words “F#$@ it!” definitely came out of my mouth. I walked into the house and effortlessly fell into my worn spot next to the stove and began stirring the sauce again, tears falling, mind searching trying to solve this repetitive quandary.
My children immediately ran to comfort me and said and did some of the kindest things. “I’m so sorry”, “I know how you feel.” I wondered to the side why they didn’t always show this sort of empathy to each other. No matter, I was both comforted and impressed…proud. My children did not hang on the “no no” words I just screamed. They simply saw it as a real expression of how I felt in that moment, and were moved to respond. They were right, I truly felt those two words. Like why try, why even waste my time. And “f&%# it!” fit beautifully.
Now this is more rare than it is common for me to shout or even say curse words, especially around my children. But I am not one who thinks they should never be uttered. They are perfect for those times when life gets very…..well you know. However, I also feel our culture tends to way over use them and in completely inappropriate ways. I’m sure some will disagree that these words should ever be used. But I have seen a little of the darkness we sometimes have to face in this world and sometimes in those quiet, dark moments we need words that match the ugliness we see and feel.
So here I am, mama to 3, shouting a curse word and being not-so perfect in the face of fowl foul play. I believe my kids might be better for it. Really this highlights my belief that I am not perfect and that is perfect because my kids will not grow up to be perfect either. I use my real to teach. My children know the real me, not a fake version who always has is together. I make mistakes with them, I apologize. I do something in front of them I instantly regret, I apologize. I model imperfection walking around as their mother aiming for greater, striving for better, and sometimes not missing it along the way.
And so, I don’t worry too much when I mess up like I used to as a new parent. Everything, I’ve learned, can be used as a teaching opportunity because, thank God, it’s real. Its true. In that painful raging moment I felt those two words and my kids saw it. They saw me and that is exactly who I want to share with them. Me.