Faith, feelings and icy thoughts

Each morning we wake to the same white scene as the day before. We are warm and safe in our home unlike so many others this morning. Still a sheet of ice forms new each night over my mind undoing the work of yesterday as the cares and worries grow from the microscopic icy thoughts that never leave. 

Our dog got out as it so happened the evening before this polar vortex….ice. 

The garden is toast and so many toil filled hours of work and planning lost….ice.

 Our friends and family are experiencing cold and darkness with little sign of hope…ice. 

I battle everyday the pull to just climb back into bed and erase these thoughts if only for a couple of hours, to stop the monotonous thoughts of what can’t be undone.

Instead I pray and I use my hands to make bread and bake cookies, to create and make the best of this prolonged time together safe and warm and together if only one dog short of complete.

I also use this time to explain to my girls the difference between feelings and truth. 

We feel winter will never end.  

We feel like this gaping hole will never close.

We feel like what was lost cannot be replaced.

And we feel like hope is a fools gamble.

But feelings come and go. White rage quickly fading into laughter when we realize our mistake, or the feeling of thirst so unquenchable until we drink freely and it’s gone as quickly as it came. As people trying to walk this earth with a heavenly mind, I explain that our feelings alone cannot guide us if we want to walk in light and truth. That our feelings will betray us and only truth will keep us steady. That our feelings are subject to the seasons, but our faith endures through the seasons. I explain this even as I myself battle with allowing my feelings to overcome me. I have to be intentional each hour to not give in to the numbness I am so familiar with. To keep smiling and to keep gratitude near. 

So, I pray my words will not go unheard and that they will see my example of walking by faith not feelings even when feelings threaten each step. 

Rianna

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